Fed Raises Interest Rates In Effort To—Hey, Pay Attention, This Is Important!

WASHINGTON—With inflation at a 40-year high, the Federal Reserve raised its benchmark interest rate this week in an effort to—hey, come on, pay attention, this is really important! The Consumer Price Index has gone up 8.6% since May of last year, and so the Fed’s hike of three-quarters of a point is aimed at…hello? Wake up! Look, I know it’s not the most exciting thing in the world, but this rate jump is the biggest since 1994. Are you with me still? You’re focused? Promise? Okay, good, because the cost of borrowing money, while still relatively low in historic terms, may continue to—yo! Are you seriously checking your Instagram right now? What the hell? I realize reports from the Fed aren’t as thrillingly paced as a Marvel movie, but this affects the whole fucking economy! Including you! If you want to buy a car or a home, it’s going to make a huge difference, okay, shithead? Get it together for five goddamn seconds so we can tell you the Fed is struggling to walk a tightrope between potential ’70s-style stagflation and a devastating economic crash. Actually, you know what? Forget it. Do whatever the fuck you want. See if we care. Prick.